Franklin, thanks for writing to my Head Wrap Advice Column! I see this is your first letter, so I want to give you a special welcome.
You’re raising an interesting, perplexing question. As you probably know from reading my column, I rely on doing good research to be sure my answers are useful. In your case, the research was not too difficult. There are many institutional records that specifically apply to this phenomenon. Perhaps yours is among them.
I’ve been able to whittle the problem down to three possible answers.
Yes, your dog is an alien. These creatures don’t speak our language, regardless of which language we speak. Think about this for a moment. Dogs are ubiquitous. They are found world-wide. However, anywhere you choose to go, the animal cannot speak your language. This doesn’t mean they don’t understand your language. Extensive research and practical experience indicates that dogs do, in fact, understand many languages. They are multilingual and even understand a variety of hand gestures, finger gestures, face gestures and other unspoken signals. It’s easy to conclude that dogs are able to understand many languages but choose to not respond in any of them. Looking deeper into this issue indicates that dogs are obeying the Prime Directive – they are simply refusing to interfere with a lesser-developed species, like us. This, alone, strongly argues for their alien origins. There’s also the fascinating sub-theory that your dog may be a ventriloquist alien. In fact, there are many other alien-related possibilities, but we’ll skip over them for now.
As a related point of interest, I was able to track down an interesting photograph of what was alleged to be an alien dog. Sadly, it proved to be nothing more than the common variety chupacabra. The photo is courtesy of National Geographic.
The second possibility is even more obvious. No, your dog is not an alien. There have been no recorded instances of aliens urinating on objects or other living entities. They have never been known to poop on rugs, bite people, snatch food, lick themselves, lick others, or stick their noses where they don’t belong. Those objects protruding from their head are not antennae, they are ears. That slithering object at the rear is not a probe, it’s a tail. Their lips, however large, are not landing flaps. They don’t even have four digits, a characteristic well known to the millions who have already been in contact with aliens.
The bottom line and the most likely answer is straightforward. You are a complete twit, you have lost touch with reality, you have been co-opted by the History Channel, you have only the mere semblance of a life, and you thrive on swamp gas. Leave your damn dog alone!
Hope this advice has been of some help, Franklin. As always, I love to hear from my readers.
Gregor, the Head Wrap Advice Columnist