Let me state right up front that it’s possible for your IPad and toaster to cohabitate. It’s dangerous, but possible. However, it would be completely irresponsible to allow them to breed, or even to permit occasional conjugal alliances in your home.
Let me give you some reasons.
Lack of Clarity. This issue has not been documented, yet. However, field trials have been undertaken and there are recorded instances of a rather sordid nature. I believe I have enough information to outline a strategy that will work for you. Perhaps your institution has some documentation I have yet to review. If so, would you please forward it to me? Your medical records would also prove helpful.
Separation Anxiety. You may find that your IPad and toaster sometimes desire to spend time together, in private. There is a mutual attraction that cannot be ignored. However, you must be assertive when you notice these urges. The toaster is much older and more experienced than the IPad. It has a long and well-understood history. The IPad is still in its youth. You simply cannot allow these two to succumb to their natural tendencies. You must maintain a strong balance of separation anxiety between the two.
Safe Distances. Once you have introduced a workable separation anxiety protocol you must enforce a safe distance between your IPad and toaster. The general recommendation is 10 feet when the toaster is plugged in, otherwise 6 feet. Personally, I have found the best solution is to make them go to their respective rooms until they both calm down and start listening.
Unwanted Breeding. Despite your best efforts, breeding can sometimes occur. This presents a difficult problem for your entire family. The IPad is often devastated by such an encounter. Sometimes, the toaster suffers as well, although toasters will generally prevail. If breeding does occur, you may be forced to banish your IPad, perhaps forever. At best, your toaster will require a good scolding. With vigilance, breeding should not be an issue.
Personal Safety. Given the mutual attraction here, you must consider personal safety. Do not plug your toaster into your IPad . Never insert your IPad into your toaster. Never touch both devices when you are standing in water. Never trust your toaster, which can have moments of frenzy and emotional arousal without warning. Do not butter your IPad under any circumstances. Never try to recharge your toaster without professional guidance.
The Bottom Line. Your letter was both long and revealing. I think you are a twit. At the very least, you have some significant Mommy issues. If I was running your household, I’d take away both your IPad and your toaster. Nonetheless, despite your deficiencies, these tips should see you through.
I Hope this advice has been of some help, Alphonse. As always, I love to hear from my readers.
Gregor, the Head Wrap Advice Columnist