Gregor Channels Nixon, Achieves Enlightenment

While Gregor was recovering from his failed self-lobotomy, he was under the care of Dr. Blighton Orme. Early in his recovery, Dr. Orme observed Gregor in a swoon state, mumbling to himself and gesturing wildly. This proved to be the discovery of what would soon be known to the medical community as RNPPS, Richard Nixon Personality Possession Syndrome.

Here are a few selections from Dr. Orme’s original notes about that stunning discovery. Orme was able to track down each of Nixon’s responses and found they were genuine, thus proving that RNPPS had actually occurred. Although Gregor had the order of responses a bit whacky due to his lobotomy, the truth was undeniable. Gregor had, indeed, successfully channeled the spirit of Richard Nixon.

Gregor: Dick . . . Dick . . . Is that you, Dick? Please, talk to me!

Nixon: I am not a crook!

Gregor: I understand, Dick. I understand. But did you do it?

Nixon: I played by the rules of politics as I found them. People react to fear, not love; they don’t teach that in Sunday School, but it’s true. If an individual wants to be a leader and isn’t controversial, that means he never stood for anything.

Gregor: Weren’t you worried about getting busted, Dick? I would be worried.

Nixon: When the President does it, that means that it’s not illegal.There are some people, you know, they think the way to be a big man is to shout and stomp and raise hell – and then nothing ever really happens. I’m not like that. I never shoot blanks. Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren’t for the goddamned people.

Gregor: Dick, Dick . . . I’m so sad. You promised us good stuff! Why?

Nixon: Never say “no” when a client asks for something, even if it is the moon. You can always try, and anyhow there is plenty of time afterwards to explain that it was not possible. Voters quickly forget what a man says. 

Well, I screwed it up real good, didn’t I?

Gregor: I used to want to be a politician, Dick, just like you. No more!

Nixon: I wish I could give you a lot of advice, based on my experience of winning political debates. But I don’t have that experience. My only experience is at losing them. Finishing second in the Olympics gets you silver. Finishing second in politics gets you oblivion.

Gregor: It was the press, wasn’t it, Dick? They did it to you, right?

Nixon: The press is the enemy. I gave ’em a sword. And they stuck it in, and they twisted it with relish. And I guess if I had been in their position, I’d have done the same thing. I’ve never canceled a subscription to a newspaper because of bad cartoons or editorials. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have any newspapers or magazines to read.

Gregor: What about all your successes? There were many, eh?

Nixon: The presidency has many problems, but boredom is the least of them. If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest shopping center in the world? When I retire I’m going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned.

Gregor: Dick . . . Dick . . . Watergate . . . (Gregor swoons)

Nixon: I don’t give a sh** what happens. I want you all to stonewall it, let them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up or anything else, if it’ll save it, save this plan. That’s the whole point. We’re going to protect our people if we can.

I can see clearly now… that I was wrong in not acting more decisively and more forthrightly in dealing with Watergate.

There will be no whitewash in the White House. You must pursue this investigation of Watergate even if it leads to the President. I’m innocent. You’ve got to believe I’m innocent. If you don’t, take my job.

Under the doctrine of separation of powers, the manner in which the President personally exercises his assigned executive powers is not subject to questioning by another branch of government.

Gregor: Dick . . . Oh, my God! What about the world? It’s more than Watergate!

Nixon: Castro couldn’t even go to the bathroom unless the Soviet Union put the nickel in the toilet. I’m glad I’m not Brezhnev. Being the Russian leader in the Kremlin. You never know if someone’s tape recording what you say. It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat somebody.

(At this point, Nixon seems to be addressing the spirit of Bob Haldeman, a stunning example of double-channeling by Gregor.)

I call it the Madman Theory, Bob. I want the North Vietnamese to believe I’ve reached the point where I might do anything to stop the war. We’ll just slip the word to them that, for God’s sake, you know Nixon is obsessed about Communism. We can’t restrain him when he’s angry — and he has his hand on the nuclear button — and Ho Chi Minh himself will be in Paris in two days begging for peace.

Gregor: What about us, Dick? What about us! What about your family?

Nixon: Any lady who is First Lady likes being First Lady. I don’t care what they say, they like it. President Johnson and I have a lot in common. We were both born in small towns and we’re both fortunate in the fact that we think we married above ourselves. I’m not for women, frankly, in any job. I don’t want any of them around. Thank God we don’t have any in the Cabinet.

Gregor: Oh, Dick . . . Please leave me with something! (swoons again)

Nixon: I reject the cynical view that politics is a dirty business. I let the American people down. I brought myself down.

I impeached myself by resigning.

(Gregor is now semi-conscious. Unexpectedly, a Native American spirit warrior appears in the room, flashing a peace symbol and shouting, “Remember Wounded Knee! Remember 1973!”)

Nixon: I think we ought to move tanks, the whole goddamned thing. Put a division in there, if necessary, It’s time for action on it. If some Indians get shot, that’s too goddamned bad. If some Americans get shot, that’s too bad, too.

Fearing for his deteriorating state of mind, Dr. Orme injects Gregor with a powerful sedative, closing the channel. Gregor went on to nearly recover. Nixon did not.

Gregor lives here.