Gregor Curses Doomers, Makes Prediction

Grigori Rasputin, the famous Russian mujique (...

Gregor is tired of the doom and gloom. He has had his fill of end-of-the-world nonsense. Instead, Gregor makes his own, bold prediction:

Tomorrow will happen. You can count on it.

While recovering from his last round of shock therapy, Gregor had the opportunity to review some recent and future world-ending forecasts. He noticed that no one, so far, has gotten it right. The proof is self-evident. All these misses make Gregor very skeptical, which is bad medicine for his mental stability.

However, Gregor has a good reason for making his own prediction. Consider these recent and future developments:

May 27, 2012. This date was selected by Ronald Weinland, founder of the Church of God, Preparing for the Kingdom of God. It is affectionately known as COG-PKG to its friends. Gregor wonders why Mr. Weinland didn’t choose a less officious name for his church. Gregor also wonders about the financial affairs of the organization, and what they may have to do with the end of the world. In June 2012, Weinland was found guilty on several counts of tax evasion and sentenced to 42 months in the clink. Gregor notes that had the world ended when Weinland predicted, he would never had spent one day in jail.

June 30, 2012. Jose Luis de Jesus announced that the entire world economy would collapse on this day. However, he noted that his own followers would be spared. Devotees would also be granted the ability to fly through the air and walk through walls. Gregor discovered that de Jesus claimed to be both the reincarnation of Jesus Christ and the Antichrist at the same time. Although Gregor admires such multi-tasking credentials, he points out that de Jesus missed on everything he ever predicted, batting an admirable 1000%. Gregor has tried flying through the air but to no avail. Membership has its rewards, apparently.

December 21, 2012. OK, so everyone in the Universe predicted this one. Even the History channel co-opted entire societies with their endless fiction. Gregor wonders what will happen with all those TV re-runs. Were they destroyed on December 22, 2012? Gregor refuses to be co-opted by the History Channel. Gregor will attempt to address ancient aliens someday, assuming the world doesn’t end before he gets around to it.

This is a picture of Warren Jeffs, which was t...

December 23, 2012. Gregor knows you’ve heard of Warren Jeffs, right? He made this prediction. President of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, alleged prophet and jailed for child sexual assault, how could anyone ignore his credentials? Woops. Gregor notes that the name of his alleged church is too pretentious, just like COG-PKG. Gregor wonders if this is a pattern?

December 31, 2012. Hard to believe but it was Warren Jeffs again, spewing his doodle from jail, again. Gregor wonders about just how large cajones can become if you’re a prophet. Gregor is sure that Jeffs will get it right someday, if he just keeps on trying. In the meantime, our kids are safe.

OK, let’s look ahead a bit. Gregor wants to remain open-minded, for a minute.

August 23, 2013. Yep, it’s that bizarre guy the History Channel obsesses about, the Mad Monk of Russia, Rasputin. Gregor thinks this guy was really kinky. Worse, he had a greasy beard. Who wants to snuggle up to a guy with a greasy beard? Who would take that kind of guy seriously? Gregor suggests we ignore the Mad Monk. At least he didn’t have a church with a funky name.

The Jeane Dixon Museum

2020 (sometime). This is from the mind of Jeane Dixon, former astrologer and psychic to the stars. She actually has a small museum and library in her name in Virginia. Gregor has learned that it is not among the most popular destination points. Oh, it’s important to remember that Dixon also predicted the world would end on February 4, 1962. Unlike Warren Jeffs, she had enough common sense to wait a while before repeating the same prediction mistake. Anyway, she no longer walks among those of us who need to worry about the future.

2021 (sometime). Conceived by one F. Kenton Beshore. This fellow took a shot at the end of the world in 1988, blew it, and blamed bad mathematics, etc. His affiliation with the Mariners Church in California, and his solid academic credentials, make Gregor wonder about his prognostications. Gregor also finds his math a bit slippery but, heck, why dump on the guy for trying? Everyone else has taken a shot.

The Singularity Is Near

2045 (sometime). This one is a bit different. According to Ray Kurzwell, a “technological singularity” will occur in 2045. Gregor isn’t quite sure what this means. However, it seems that all of our technological doo-doo and doo-dads will collapse upon us in a final blow-out of techie Armageddon. Gregor will miss his laptop and iPad if this happens. No church to blame for this one. Gregor wonders if his toaster will be spared.

Gregor is completely tired of all this gloom. He is sure that the world will end, someday. With all these folks making guesses, it’s a bit like the lottery. Someone, someday, might just get it right. It won’t be Gregor. He still believes that tomorrow will happen. In fact, he guarantees it. If he’s wrong, there won’t be anything you can do about it anyway.

Gregor lives here.


9 thoughts on “Gregor Curses Doomers, Makes Prediction

  1. Thanks for pulling all this together for us, Michael … probably no reason to go on trying to write the definitive English novel then?

    Good, so as the sun is over the yardarm I think I’ll have a glass of red instead. It could have a favourable outcome, this end of the world lark.


  2. As we understand it, all of the predictions are correct, it’s simply a sign (+/-) error in the calculations that leads to incorrect dates. Message sent from impenetrable bunker at Phonyon Headquarters.

    • Ya-coozer! Yikes! Gregor never considered this possibility. So, if these folks are correct, we’re already living in swamp gas and doo-doo land. Well, that should set the stage for a great party. Gregor will dance, swoon and wait for tomorrow. Thanks.

  3. Dear gregor

    It is like, Rasputin is reincarnated over and over again. When will he come back as a mere bug!!

    And why is it, that so many people totally ignore James Hansen (and the storms of our grandchildren) – at least Hansen is somewhat reputable – he is from NASA, after all!

    Opps – sorry,Gregor – ‘Don’t let it bring you down, it’s only castles burnin. . .”

    Please cheer up, and get well soon! (something like that!) . . . argh . . .

    Sincerely – bruce

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