Gregor’s Worry List

GregorGregor worries.

Neither his shock therapy treatments nor his shrink can give Gregor any peace. He continues to be troubled and wants to share his burden.

Chupacabras. Gregor is afraid of them. He was told that the chupacabra was invented by Al Gore, right around the time he fathered the Internet. Then, Gregor was told they were manufactured by one of Dick Cheney’s secret companies. Both stories can’t be true. Worst of all, Gregor saw a picture of one, once. Now, he worries all the time. What if a chupacabra comes sneaking around after midnight? Who could he call for help? Is there a chupacabra hotline? Or, should he just call the History Channel and get it over with? He’s written to Al and Dick. They just ignored him.

Toasters. Endless worries for Gregor. They start smoking sometimes and Gregor doesn’t like smoke in his house. Once, a toaster tried to eat his iPad. This was a critical time for Gregor. He didn’t know how to punish his toaster. Would you? Gregor fears that his iPad and his toaster may try to breed someday. Is that how chupacabras are made?

Politicians. Gregor just learned that politicians and pollution are different things. He thought they were the same. Now, Gregor’s worries that they may combine forces and invade his mind. He’s read about mind-control experiments. He knows about remote viewing because it happens to him all the time. But, what if politicians start remote viewing Gregor and try to control his mind? Will the bandages on his head protect him? Should he try a tin-foil hat? Others have suggested it.

Velveeta Cheese

Velveeta. Gregor can’t find it anywhere these days. What happened? Did Dick Cheney eat it all? Did Al Gore put it on the national doo-doo list? Is it illegal? Gregor never tried to smoke it. He just wanted it around as comfort food.

White bread. Gregor knows there is a plot going on, somewhere. All the bread he sees these days is 47 grain, weird colors, infested with fruity knobs, emblazoned with strange crusts, all kinds of bizarre stuff. Gregor wants his white bread back. Without it, he’s paranoid.

Free air at gas stations. Where did it go? How come it isn’t free anymore, if you can even find it? Gregor doesn’t know how to save air, so where’s he going to go for refills? Gregor is always broke. No one wants to lend him any air. He thinks this is downright un-American.

Anchovies from Sicily packed in salt at the Sa...

Anchovies. Gregor is aware that this tasty treat has disappeared. Why? How come you can’t get an anchovy pizza anymore? No anchovy pie. Did Al Gore interfere somehow? Did Dick Cheney banish them? Does anyone do anchovies anymore?

Dirty Martinis. Gregor is afraid of dirt but he likes dirty martinis. He wonders where the dirt comes from? Who cleans the dirt? Is it the dirt that makes his head hurt after a few martinis? Gregor sees faces in the olives, just like the faces on the Moon. Who are those people? How come they all look like Al Gore? Why can’t he get Velveeta with his martini?

Alien Abductions. Gregor has been abducted, many times. He used to be afraid but, these days, he looks forward to it. All those little gray guys have bandages on their heads, just like Gregor. They never use toasters and they give him all the white bread he can eat. All Gregor has to do is lie very still and chew the bread. The little guys take care of everything else. They told Gregor that they all worked for Dick Cheney back in the day.

Shrinks. Gregor doesn’t like his shrink any more. His shrink is always winking and wincing at him. Gregor doesn’t know what that means. Gregor babbles and the shrink just nods his head and winks. Sometimes he seems to be asleep. Gregor is concerned that his shrink is channeling Dick Cheney behind his back. His shrink also keeps a chupacabra somewhere in a back room. Gregor hears it grunting and moving around back there.

The future. Gregor wonders about the future. He can’t reach out and touch it. He desperately wants to know the future, just like Al Gore, Dick Cheney and his shrink. They all know what’s coming. How come this doesn’t work for Gregor? Is there a secret society that refuses to admit Gregor? Is it because of his lobotomy? Is Gregor the victim of prejudice or, worse, a world-wide conspiracy? Gregor wrote to the Skull and Bones Society but nobody replied. He tried the local Masonic Hall but it was closed. He plans on trying the Rosicrucians next.

Coat of the Vatican Secret Archives

The Vatican. This is the sum of all fears for Gregor. He understands that all knowledge is buried in the secret archives. He’s heard that both Al and Dick got to visit and page through all the interesting stuff. Gregor knows there is a file on him down there, down deep in the catacombs. How come he can’t get in there and see it for himself? Why doesn’t the Freedom of Information Act work on the Vatican? Gregor keeps writing but nothing comes back to him. Gregor doesn’t trust the Vatican. Would you?

Gregor lives here.

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6 thoughts on “Gregor’s Worry List

  1. Hilarious and so true – fear of the Vatican is the sum of all fears. Poor Gregor – tell him I said not to hold out too much hope that Pope Francis will do anything new (I should know – we share a name after all!). The dinosaur groans and creaks and will eventually fall flat on anyone left in the building – run, Gregor, run while you can 🙂

  2. I just had a picture taken of me holding a block of Velveeta the size of my head! There was a reason for that, which cannot be shared with anyone but Al or Dick. Frank already knows. But because of world wide conspiracy fears (and photo tagging), I am unable to share it (the picture, I think it the conspiracy is already known to Gregor) with Gregor. My apologies. Now where are my bandages?

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