Dr. Brainstump Shares Colon Enlightenment Secrets

Something rare and special. Our guest writer, William (Bill) Brainstump, offers a personal view of life and how his newly discovered colon treatment has led him to a certain state of Enlightenment. Gregor immediately enrolled at the treatment center and is already feeling a fresh creep of colon awareness. Please enjoy.

We are a muddling bunch, us humans. We dig and do dirty, sling mud and murk the waters. Or so it seems.

We’re good at complicating things. Just look at our political system. OK, bad example. How about our ecosystem? Fine, that’s extreme, too. But you do get the point. In the never-ending effort to define, cure, fix, and find certainty, we only create less of it. In the end, we know no more than we did before.

Hold on. There are a few things we do know, right? God is great, science will prevail, and good things come to those that wait. Huh? Sounds like mumbo-jumbo to me. Let’s take it back to the basics because, as far as I can tell, we don’t know much more than our primate cousins.

Here are a few things I believe in.

My Face Doesn’t Bother Me Too Much, Thank You

First, there are no facts. Death may come eventually, sure. But even the certainty of death is put into question by modern science and differing spiritual beliefs. So again, nothing is certain; there are no facts. Accept this or be disappointed. Or fight it and still die.

Second, anyone who tells you they know the facts of life is full of dookie. With that in mind, you now have two choices: stop reading this immediately or continue with caution and a sense of humor.

Which brings us to our next fact.

All Things Are Worth Laughing At

Even death and disease? Poverty and war? Absolutely. And if you don’t laugh at those things, specifically, you’re destined to live a dreadful and boring life. Instead, laugh in their face, accept their existence, do something positive about it and move on to the more enjoyable things in life. And if you don’t, see fact one: fight it and still die. Why not have a chuckle along the way?

If You Can’t Chuckle, Duck

Big things happen, and they’re out of our control. Death, disease, asteroids, cicada swarms. If you forget how to laugh, at least move out of the way. You can’t move the big stuff anyway; they can only move you. Instead, duck when you see them and hold the small things dear. Family, friends, sunsets, laughter—that’s the stuff of happiness.

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Become Adept At Using Your Middle Finger

I learned this one early from someone more adept than me. You don’t like something? Middle finger. Someone’s bull-shitting you? Middle finger. Asteroid’s coming? Middle finger. Don’t take anything too seriously, and don’t be afraid to speak your mind. You may not get another chance. And if you do get another chance? Middle finger.

Middle Finger In Moderation

Find compassion. Allow yourself to see the good in things. Not everyone is bad or has bad intentions, so don’t let that middle finger become habitual — you may get it back. Offer goodness and accept it, as there’s far less of it than we need in this world.

If someone’s skewing the balance, though: middle finger.

Ponder you will, says I. Or don’t, and just refer to fact two.

To make a personal appointment for colon enlightenment, you may contact Dr. Brainstump here. Otherwise, wait for the next installment.